If Puppies Could Talk

I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.

  1. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

  2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m lying under the coffee table.

  3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

  4. I must shake the rainwater out of my coat BEFORE entering the house.

  5. I will not eat the cats’ food, before or after they eat it.

  6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

  7. I will not throw up in the car.

  8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

  9. “Kitty box crunchies” are not food.

  10. I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

  11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

  12. I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up under her skirt.

  13. I will not chew my human’s toothbrush and not tell them.

  14. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

  15. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it’s raining outside.

  16. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

  17. I will not steal my Mom’s underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

  18. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad’s laps.

  19. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

  20. I will not bite the officer’s hand when he reaches in for Mom’s driver’s license and car registration.

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